Two of my friends and colleagues here had told stories of their first massages....so I was a bit prepared mentally that this might happen.....but it was also a very Western seeming place...so I thought maybe it wouldn't.
I went to get a massage with a friend of mine, and when we got there, we were welcomed warmly and served tea. It was a pretty posh looking place- like any spa you'd see in the states. They told us that one of us would have to have a male therapist. In my mind, that was no big deal. My mom is a massage therapist, I've had many a massage in my life, male, female, doesn't matter.
I ended up with the male therapist. I went into the room, and was told to put on what were basically scrubs. They were comfy enough. I figured everything would be totally fine then, because in most massage situations, you undress to your underwear and lay under a blanket. But here, we were given clothes, so this seemed like it would be very modest indeed. Good.
Massage goes as planned, feels good, just like a massage should.
Then, about half-way through, I turn over, face up. Again, normal. Massage continues, and as he moves from my shoulders to my upper chest, my friends' stories cross my mind, and I begin to get a little nervous. Is he going to touch them? Is the boob massage going to happen? Will I let him? Is it rude not to? How do I feel about this.......but then he is just massaging in such a calming and relaxing way that I don't really notice. It seems that he has gone just up to and maybe to the side of the breast tissue, but not really touched my boob, and then he moves on to the other side.
"Ok, I think- good. No boob touching. This is ok."
On the other side, the same starts to happen....and then he asks: "Is the pressure ok?". Which he has asked a few times previously in the massage. The pressure, was, in fact, ok, so I responded "Yes".
It seems this yes was also some form of permission, because the next thing I know, my left boob is getting a full on massage.
And it felt good.
In the way that massages on your feet and shoulders feel good. Not in a sexual way. I mean, I've read articles about how your boobs should be massaged and how there are a lot of health benefits and such......
But I couldn't stop my mind from thinking- "Should I feel sexually violated right now?" "DO I feel sexually violated right now?" "Is this okay?" "What if he is really enjoying this?" "Should I stop him?" "Um, I'm getting a boob massage right now......what?" "Did his breathing just change....or did I make that up?"
Then he moved back to the right boob and went at it. And left his left hand on my left boob the whole time......at which I thought "Is he just coping a feel now? Why is his left hand still there? Is this how it works? Is he trying to keep it warm?" And then, after the right boob seemed to have its due, there was double boob massaging. And the boob massage felt like it was going on for a long time....and his energy felt a bit strange.
And I thought: "Would I feel the same if a woman was doing this, or is it because it is a man that it feels a little weird?" "No, I'm pretty sure I would feel weird if any stranger was massaging my boobs" "Why does that feel weird? How have we been socialized that it feels weird? Do the Chinese find this natural? Also, it feels weird and totally not weird at the same time.....and that in itself is weird".
But then he started going at the area around the nipples......and that's when I had to make him stop. I said: "Okay..." and he immediately stopped and closed my shirt. And went to massaging my forehead. And seemed a bit miffed for just a second.....maybe he was sensitive to crossing a line and could tell that maybe he had? I just don't know.
And by the end of the massage he was trying to make conversation and while I participated politely, part of me couldn't stop thinking: "But you've completely felt up my boobs. I feel both slightly embarrassed and somehow like we're intimately connected, and somehow like you should be embarrassed too." I just felt kind of awkward.
But I don't think I let any of that show. And he told me I should ask for him next time (and part of me wonders if that is only because he liked my boobs- which is something I'd never think about a massage- oh yes, the massage therapist must like my body! .......That is a very silly thought that has never before crossed my mind.....so why....when boobs get involved- do these things happen).
I left having lots of thoughts about conditioned sexuality and other things- and I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I am quite sure that many other people probably wouldn't think twice, so I wonder what about my upbringing/culture/socialization has made me sensitive to this. I'm also not quite sure if I would want, or not want, another boob massage. Nor am I sure how to avoid one?
A new experience that has left me with a lot to ponder.
Also, yes, that many thoughts (and more!) really do run through my head, on a fairly consistent basis. About everything.
